For the organized and tidy among us, it might be surprising to learn there are positive payoffs for having a cluttered house.
We get to Blame Others. When we come from a parent who was a hoarder, we don’t have to take responsibility for our own surroundings. We don’t have to put forth the effort to learn a new way of being in this world, a way that would positively affect every moment we’re in our home. We can say, “I come by it honestly.”
We can remain Addicted to Chaos. By blaming our crazy schedule, our demanding career, the toddler debris, our projects and hobbies, we have a built-in excuse for a chaotic home. The more out-of-control our home is, the more we don’t want to be in it. We create excuses for not being in our home: we volunteer more, we schedule more activities for our kids, we have another child, adopt another pet, decide to go back to school. Round and round our self-fulfilling prophecy goes. We can say, “Now you can see why I don’t have time for my house.”
We nurture Our Identity. We’re rebellious against the norm, creative, not bound by the hobgoblins of tedium such as housekeeping. A nagging parent becomes someone who didn’t “see” us for who we really are, who didn’t appreciate or support our creative nature. We can say, “I’m a free spirit.”
We make others laugh with our Tears of a Clown. We poke fun at our inabilities and home. We get ahead of any negative judgement by laughing it all off. We can say, “I’ve always been this way; and don’t be uncomfortable for me because it’s kinda funny.”
We nurture our Untouchable Introvert: Unlike the clown, we don’t make fun of our shortcomings, we simply declare that our home isn’t important, and neither are any negative judgements. We rarely let people into our home, though, because we don’t wish to be judged. We are grateful for our “real” friends who accept us for who we are. We can say, “I don’t care; if people can’t accept me for who I am it’s their loss.”
As we temporarily flip off the world, we believe the goal is to get a sympathetic nod or a little forgiveness for the way our home looks. We wish to become acceptable in our perceived shortcomings.
The true payoff? We don’t have to make any changes, take control of our narrative, or stop dogging ourself. We don’t have to participate in adulting, or do any of the work. This is the true payoff.
The problem with sympathetic nods, forgiveness, and acceptability: they’re poor substitutes for the real goal—RELIEF, which is what we really want. We want to feel good in our own home.
We want relief from…
…the constant weight of our to-do list.
…the ever-present pressure to do something about our situation.
…the daily reminder that we’re somehow inadequate or ill-equipped.
…feeling like we can never relax because there’s always a hundred things needing to be done.
…the false belief that we’ll never get a break because the job will never be done.
…the heartbreaking self-disappointment in not being able to maintain order, even if we paid someone to help us.
…the endless suspicion that we’re missing out on achieving what others seem to have achieved effortlessly.
…the belief that it will take forever, and we will not be able to rise to the task.
…a lurking fear of being negatively judged about the state of our home, of our shortcomings and inability.
…living in shame and hopelessness.
…feeling like we’ll never be able to relax in our own home, that it’s forbidden until we get our s**t together.
…the futility of not knowing where to start, or the questions to ask, believing it’s just not in the cards for us, and the only direction is down—more chaos.
It’s physically painful to live this way, shoulder-deep in a shame-story. It can lead to (or be a result of) depression—often, our home reflects what’s going on inside us, which further immobilizes us.
Telling ourself that we’re “just not good at this that” is not a useful thought. Even if it’s true, it’s not useful. Either get good at it or don’t think about it. Be okay with the lack of a particular skill. I pay someone else to do my taxes. I’m okay with not having the patience to figure out how to do it myself, and I don’t beat myself up about it.
On the other hand, if you’re NOT okay with a home that is a constant drag on your spirit and quality of life, I provide a surprisingly simple approach for taking control. It’s not a personality overhaul. It’s more like a thought overhaul. I meet you where you are, without judgement, determine your strengths and desires, and we start from there.
What if you could trade the old way of being for a different payoff: empowerment?
Sometimes we don’t realize how bad we feel until we feel better. How much is your mental health worth? If you’re tired of living in a giant, expensive storage unit, and want to learn how to create a home, give me a call. This could be your year!
You might also like: Why Decluttering is So Overwhelming
Copyright © 2022 by Cynthia Gentry Black, Home Staging by Cynthia, LLC in Kansas City.
All rights reserved. No portion may be shared, reused or republished in any format without express written consent of the author.
